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  • Sam Avery

If Netflix Made My Dream Last Night


WIDE SHOT OF A BRIGHT, WHITE ROOM. THE ROOM IS EMPTY. THERE ARE NO WINDOWS. NURSERY RHYMES PLAY.


IN THE CORNER IS A SMALL BOY. HE’S WEARING AN OLD FASHIONED SCHOOL UNIFORM - SHORT TROUSERS, BLAZER, TIE, ETC.


CAMERA ZOOMS UP ON THE BACK OF THE BOYS HEAD. HE TURNS AROUND.


IT’S ME. A 43 YEAR OLD BALD MAN. I LOOK SCARED.


ME: Hello? Who’s there?


A LOUD, DEEP VOICE BOOMS ACROSS THE ROOM. IT SOUNDS LIKE BRIAN BLESSED.


BRIAN BLESSED: YOU BOY!


I COWER IN FEAR.


ME: Who said that? Show yourself!


BRIAN BLESSED: EAT THE FOOD, BOY!


I LOOK UP, FRANTICALLY SEARCHING FOR THE OWNER OF THE VOICE.


ME: I’m…not allowed! I’m trying to be healthy! It’s…it’s…


BRIAN BLESSED: A WASTE OF TIME!


ME: Don’t say that!


BRIAN BLESSED: WHY ARE YOU EVEN BOTHERING? YOU’RE NOT EVEN THIN YET!


ME: Well, not quite but, erm, you know…


BRIAN BLESSED: DON’T DEPRIVE YOURSELF!


ME: I’ve only been doing it five minutes!


BRIAN BLESSED: THEN START AGAIN TOMORROW!



WIDE SHOT OF THE WHOLE ROOM. CAMERA PANS TO THE SIDE TO SHOW MY SILHOUETTE EXTENDING ACROSS THE BARE FLOOR. THE SHADOW OF MY POST-CHRISTMAS GUT GRADUALLY GROWS TO FILL THE ENTIRE SHOT.


BRIAN BLESSED: COME ON, BALDY! TASTE THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT!


ME: I suppose I could, you know, just have a little bite, maybe?


I REACH INTO MY SATCHEL AND SHEEPISHLY PULL OUT A WAGON WHEEL.


CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON WAGON WHEEL.


CLOSE UP OF MY MOUTH SALIVATING LIKE ONE OF THEM DOGS THAT PAVLOV KEPT BANGING ON ABOUT.


BRIAN BLESSED: Go on. Tuck in. Nobody will know.


ME: Promise not to tell?


BRIAN BLESSED: EAT IT!


I BITE INTO THE WAGON WHEEL. IT EXPLODES INTO A THOUSAND PIECES. I PISS THE BED AND WAKE UP SOBBING AS A BREATHY-VOCAL FEMALE CREEPILY SINGS ‘FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD’ SLOWLY ON AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR.


In reality, I had a really boring dream about cornflakes. But you can’t really post that online can you?


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