Self-Isolation Diary: Day 5

8:05am

Decide to eat healthy for the rest of my quarantine. If I can’t taste, why bother with biscuits?

8:12am

Accidentally eat a biscuit. Feel guilty. Eat two more to take the edge off.

8:13am

Start a brand new diet. Gonna be ripped by the time this is over.

8:15am

Treat myself to one last biscuit. Tell myself it’s bad luck to eat an odd number.

8:16am

Start another diet. A proper one this time. I’ll lose so much weight they’ll be asking me to do that wacky pose for photos inside my old massive pants.

8:23am

Find some chocolate eclairs in my sock drawer. Eat one before noticing they’re past their sell by date. Eat a second anyway cos I love danger and nearly lose my entire lower jaw in a chewing mishap. Abort mission. Will start diet tomorrow. Hide the eclairs back in the sock drawer in case I don’t.

8:37am

Decide that ‘The Start Tomorrow Diet’ is a great name for a book. Think I’ll reinvent myself as a life coach when all this is over.

11:20am

It is brought to my attention by the wife that I ‘fucking stink.’ Not exactly the sympathy I was hoping for but it adds up - I haven’t showered since yesterday morning. Or was it the day before? ‘At least your sense of smell is back!’ I cheerfully remark as she chokes on my arse fumes. She remains unimpressed.

2:50pm

Feeling slightly ropey. If Covid was a hangover, the vaccine must be the pint of water you drink before bed. Next time I get in from boozing I’ll post a photo of me holding some Evian with my thumbs up like we did on our vaccine pics.

3:38pm

Zac slides a Get Well Soon card under the door. He’s made it himself. I get emotional. Then I notice he’s only gone and called me Sam. FFS. Weird that someone using your ACTUAL NAME feels quite distressing.

4:36pm

Ben has been glued to that iPad today. Pretty sure the app that tracks your screentime use is gonna alert social services.

4:51pm

How did they survive the Black Death without iPads? Must have been a nightmare. Everyone dying and nothing for the kids to watch YouTube on. Although imagine the shite ‘unboxing’ videos people would have been posting in the 1300’s.

‘Welcome to my channel guys, today I’ll be opening this box of leeches that have just arrived from the old crone down by the river. Don’t forget to smash that subscribe button and keep brushing your tooth.’

6:10pm

Wife shouts up she’s bought a lottery ticket. I tell Ben we might win £20 million tonight. He asks what I’d treat him to if we won. I say a nice boarding school. He asks me to explain. I change the subject.

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